questioning myself

americorps is making me question how competent i am.

i want to preface this by saying that i am not one to toot my americorps horn saying, “oh i’m being paid nothing to do everything.”  i am being paid something.  i am being paid more money than i have ever made in my life, granted, i’ve only ever worked part time jobs.  but i am being paid enough to survive.  it’s just far less than someone who should be doing this work should be making.  the point is that i’m finding that given all the circumstances, because this is americorps, and i am not given all the tools (i lack an adequate job description, supervision, and funding), i’m questioning myself.

i’m questioning myself because i’m not being paid what i’m worth.  and that’s what poverty is.  whether you have no job, are looking or not, or are working one to three part time jobs, but you’re still in poverty, you’re not being paid what your worth, and you’re not being supported in a way that shows your worth, and because of that you aren’t succeeding.  and no, i really feel like i’m not succeeding.  my role has had no structure since long before i stepped it, which means i get to make it up as i go along.  there’s very little funding for me to use for my clients.  and my supervision is lacking because my supervisor is juggling directing our center, supervising 3 other people, keeping our center open, and finishing up her masters in child and family therapy.  and that’s all making it really difficult for me.

so i’m not going to toot my americorps horn.  but i am going to say that it fucking sucks.  when we’re not given our worth, how is equality supposed to be a reality?  no matter what you’ve done. no matter how you’ve failed before. you’re still worth so much.  i want us to show one another what we’re worth and i think that’s why we are all alive.  let’s show each other our worth, not just our friends, everyone.

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~ by smpseattle on May 15, 2009.

One Response to “questioning myself”

  1. it does effing suck. i hate that we pay people who trade paper and gamble with peoples pensions 10 times what a social worker makes. it’s hard to see what you’re worth when you struggle to enjoy the life you live. remember that the Creator knows your worth, and so do I. love.

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